That baby girl has a penis.

The pencil was correct.  We are having a little baby boy.  We’ve tossed around some names and I think we have it narrowed down.  Both Carmen and I have always wanted to allow the child to have an original name and build his own identity.  We’ve never wanted to have a junior or anything like that.  At the same time, it is important to acknowledge the families from which the child has come.  

Garrison is my mom’s maiden name and, naturally, the last name of my paternal grandparents.  Prior to the age of 21, I’ve never thought of Garrison as a decent first name.  Then a monotone old man named Garrison Keillor entered my life and Garrison become a cool first name.  Therefore, the child will be called Garrison Ross.  (Ross is a fitting last name.)

Okay, with the first and last names solved, what’s the middle name going to be?  I’ve thrown out a few possibilities:  Bobarrison, Paul, Bacon, Seven, and Jesus.  A middle name is pretty important, too.  With a three syllable name like Garrison, you need to have a short, strong, two-syllable-max middle name.  Also, we cannot forget what the acronym of the name might spell.  My cousin Derek has three-d’s.  3D is a pretty cool nickname, if he wanted to use it.  On the other end, there are people out there named Andrea Salinger Smith... that just won’t work, either.  Mine is RER which doesn’t invoke much of anything except the phonetic equivalent of “rear.”  It may allude to the grandiose size of my ass but I’ve come to terms with both my name and my ass.  I believe we may have settled on Dale.  Dale is Carmen’s grandfather’s first name.  It makes lil’ Garrison’s initials G.D., which... you know, isn’t that bad.  If Garrison is anything like his old man, we might be saying GD a whole helluva lot.  

My good friend Myles proposed Ansel, as in Ansel Adams.  If you’re not sure who he is, he is a photographer from the early to mid-twentieth century.  I’m sure there’s a wikipedia page about him, but, all I know is that he has taken some amazing photographs of the National Parks and had one nice beard.  I like “Ansel,” but I have no historical or personal attachment to Adam’s work.  Myles, I want you to know that I appreciate the thought.

(five minutes passed)

I’ve returned to this text and feel that I need to put a little more effort into this.  I’ve decided to include a link to Ansel Adam’s wikipedia page.  

Welcome, Garrison Dale Ross, welcome.  Now go to your room.